"Life and Death" by Anthony Setari

This poem is hilarious! I really appreciated the conversational tone and the fact that humor is used to illustrate a situation that we've all lived through--that feeling that anything (even being hit by a bus) would be better than doing what it is we know we need to do. In this case, it's taking a test that the narrator is not at all prepared for. The poem takes us through a front-seat look at the workings of a panicked mind, one that thinks, "Oh why didn't I study?" One thing I love about this poem is the fact that, although it is written simply and in a very relaxed style, the writer still effectively uses literary devices to achieve his goal. One such example of this is the repitition of the line "hit by a bus" in the second stanza. The first time this phrase is used, it is simply a mundane fact, but the second time, the writer packs a punch: "bam, hit by a bus" (my italics). This is both attention-getting and humorous, so it works really well to keep the reader interested in what is going to happen to this character(/narrator). I also really like the energy in this piece. The last three lines of stanza three are great when it comes to energy. They are short and perfectly puntuated to express enthusiasm without being obnoxious (in the way that enthusiam can sometimes be).

I'd like to see a little bit of editing in a second draft. The first stanza on the second page is a little bit wordy and messy in general. Especially the part where the M.E. states his mind. I'm not sure how I feel about the last stanza. I both like it and want something different at the same time--although I'm not sure how I managed that. I think it's funny and ironic, but it's a little bit deux ex machina. Like, Oh! Lookie here! The narrator is gone. Dead. Even though he didn't actaully see a bus! Or hear one. But I don't know. Maybe it works for this particular poem. I don't know. I guess Anthony will have to make up his own mind on this one and just ignore all of us.

"The Moment" by Latisa Robinson

In this poem, Latisa first sculpts the image of her as the loving mother, with a new child "nestled in my arms." She contemplates his life--from his first steps to the birth his own child. We have this image in our heads and then Latisa turns the poem completely: we learn close to the end that "this moment" is not actually happening, opposed to what we have been led to believe. We then see the inner-workings of her heart. We understand that this is a dream, a wish for the future, a fantasy that only time can bring about. I think this is a really effective technique--I totally didn't see the ending coming, but I am glad I couldn't see it. For this reason, I think "The Moment" gives the reader a shocking ending and the lasting impression of what this moment will be when she finally is able to get it.

I love the title and opening line to this poem. I think they read very well together and because of this, the reader is brought immediately into the poem. We cannot help but be sucked in because the poem makes us. One idea I have for another draft is to place real, concrete images and details in place of words like "star athlete, smart," and "popular." I think it would be effective to illustrate the crumpled jersey on his bedroom floor that reeks of last night's victory, or hear the telephone ring, with the endless stream of femal voices, asking for him. These are more specific than perhaps a "moment" in time would produce, but I think it would be a very good way to make the reader want to see this kid too. Then, he would be more than just the narrator's son, and would become for the reader, a real human being with real human characteristics--flaws and wonderful attributes alike. I guess the difference would be for the reader, not the author. I think it would help to make the reader care about him, and in turn, care about her getting him; however, it could take away from the brevity of the poem (both in words and lasting images). That, of course, is just an idea.

"Dreams" by Mark Mycroft

I enjoyed reading Mark's poem. It describes the elusive nature of dreams, and how they can both delight and haunt us. In the end, Mark says that he holds the dreams "close, / so as not to dream of yesterday." Although I pretty much followed along up to this point, I am confised about what the final line means. I like how the poem itself seems to be difficult to get a firm grasp of--that, like dreams, the poem seems to be its own entity which doesn't care if you get it or not. So, I think the style of the poem fits the subject matter.

My favorite line is in the third stanza: "dancing through the maze of my thoughts." I think I like this line because it is beautiful and whimsical, much like dreams enivitably are. Because I think this is such an effective line, I would like to see more like it. For example, rather than saying "Tomorrow seems to never come," why not say something more (for lack of a better word) dreamy. I also think that adding some form of imagery would help bring the reader in. The poem is very abstract, which fits with the idea of "dreams" but, I think some concrete detail (like the dancing through the maze) would help pull the reader in. There are a few lines that I thought were a bit confusing. The first example of this is the second line of the poem, "when only you're going to dream." I think the wording of this line makes it difficult to completely understand. I was also confused by the line, "dreams that I chase while they chase me." I think that in order for this symbol/image to be effective, it should either be rephrased or built upon. I think this is a really good start for a poem, but I'd be interested in seeing another draft.

Reading "The Undertaking" by Thomas Lynch

So, after class today, I decided that I should probably actually read this essay. I'm glad I did. It's wonderful--I was really shocked how much of an emotional response it elicits at the end. I mean, we had talked about it in class, but it's totally different than actually reading and experiencing the essay. I know this already, of course. I also generally try to be on top of things when it comes to reading, but these past two weeks have just sort of slipped away from me...

Anyway, back to Lynch. I love (among so many others) the last line of the essay:

Milo had become the idea of himself, a permanent fixture of the third person and past tense, his widow's loss of appetite and trouble sleeping, the absence in places where we look for him, our habits of him breaking, our phantom limb, our one hand washing the other. (Lynch 11)

God, it's so true. I really connected with this line, especially the absence where we look for him, and "our habits of him breaking." My dog died over Christmas break. I know this isn't the same as losing a spouse, but it's fresh and it's my stinging twinge of loss. Jackie was thirteen years old with cancer on her spine. In the middle of the night, she couldn't stand up, and later that day, my mother drove her to the vet and explored the options. She was put down shortly after 9:00 am. This was the Tuesday of finals. No one told me until that Saturday, not wanting me to grieve while attempting to keep all of my external stresses under rein. I was going to come home, but kept postponing it, until finally, Mom had to tell me over the phone.

Going home is weird now. It's exactly as Lynch describes.

School Lunches

(BbB 33-38)

I actually read this section a while ago. I just kept right on reading when we were assigned the sections on Perfectionism and Polaroids. Now, looking back on my post, I see that I didn't actually say anything about it then, so I guess I should now. I'm going to say this: I think Anne Lamott is funny. Better, I think she has some awesome ideas. Just brainstorming about my own school lunch experience brought back a plethera of colorful and sickening images. This woman is obviously a genious. How can one feel writer's block if one simply sits down and describes (in detail) the snippets of hundreds of school lunch experiences? It's brilliance.

"Dear Jaime" by Jaime McNair

Typically, I am not very excited by the idea of letter poems, but this one is different. In this poem, the author uses two different voices with opposing lines in response to each other. The last word of each line is matched with the same word on the next line, but this time it is issued a new meaning, new connotation. From reading this, the reader gets the sense that this guy, Phil, is just feeding Jaime cheesy lines over and over again, and she is looking at them one at a time, with disgust. This was a unique way to go about the letter poem, and because of that, I had to read it several times to make sure I got all of the details. I think one of my issues with reading it was a form thing. I wonder what other types of set-up the author could use to illustrate that these are two (which are distinctly different) voices. I think I just had a hard time following the progression of the lines on the page. What most likely adds to this is the fact that many of the lines begin with “I,” and many of the same words are used from one line to the next. Some of these lines would be easier to digest if there was a little bit of space between them, like:

I won’t give into his lies anymore.

“I don’t want to lie to you anymore.”

It’s just visually easy to jump from place to place, and I think that hurts flow a little bit. This is all pretty much a format problem, and I may be the only one who feels this way. I also wanted to see some more creative spins from one line to another, rather than just plainly stating the opposite from one character to the next. The poem definitely shows attitude, which is great. I can totally hear you telling this guy off, but I want to see it in a more concrete way. Rather than just saying “I won’t give into his lies,” why not give us some example of one of these vial and odious lies which would make us go, “Oh yeah, you tell him, girl!” I also noticed a little bit of an issue with who the character Jaime is addressing. At first she says, “I thought you [my italics] wanted us to end” and then later, “If I take him back, this will go on forever.” This should just be normalized to avoid any confusion.

"Rehab: A Love Story" by T. Jarrel McLeod

I think this poem is a total success. It successfully compares love, and the struggle to get over a lost love, to a drug addiction. I think T. J. has some really effective line breaks in here that help to emphasize specific words and ideas—I think my favorite example of this is the one-word line, “Relapse.” I love how this particular line serves as a slight turn in the poem, there’s a little shift. I love the word “seep” in the sixth line. I’d like to see more language with that kind of resonance to it, but I think the language of the poem as it is does a good job reflecting the content.

In another draft of this poem, I’d like to see more lists like the one that opens the poem. I feel this is a very effective way to draw a reader in and make us really feel the severity of the situations. By weighing us down with lists of what is going on in your healing process, we can in turn come to feel the density. Lay it on us, T.J. I’d also like to see the ending lines go in a different direction, but I don’t really have any real recommendations. I guess the only thing to do is do what feels right in this particular poem. I don’t know. I like this poem a lot, and I don’t really know what I want from the last two lines. Sorry I can’t help. Oh, and I love the title. Definitely keep the title.

"In Your Eyes" by Sean Kelly

I think this poem is really sweet! I want someone to tell me “Every answer I ever wanted to know / Lies in your eyes” after comparing them to Saturn and sparkly stars! It’s a beautiful image, and as a girl, I can’t help but swoon. Okay, as a peer reviewing (girl) student in this particular workshopping class, I am forced to do more than swoon. I must critique! Okay, I think the purpose of this poem is pretty self-explanatory. In a series of stanzas, the author of this poem reflects on the eyes of his loved one, and how those are the eyes that he will always want to search when lighting the “wick of the future” (a beautiful line, and image). He gets lost in this moment, lost in those eyes, and then has to snap himself out of it to ask the other person to “Be mine till you are wrinkly.”

There are two things (among the tons that I love) that I am not certain about in this poem. My first critique is the phrase “Shut up…..” all by itself among the stanzas. I think that the poet is saying this to himself, and not to his loved one, but it’s a little bit unclear. I don’t think he should be telling the person whom he wants to grow old with to “shut up,” so it only makes sense that he is telling himself to snap out of it. But, I still don’t like it in there. I think there is such a beautiful tone throughout the poem that this line really just completely clashes. It also disturbs me because it is the one line that stands out the most, since it is in a “stanza” all to itself. This must be purposeful. I am getting that it is a change in the tone of the poem, but I wonder if there is a better (less harsh) option for such a sweet poem. My second concern is the very last line: “Cus’ the eyes never grow old.” To be honest, I just don’t like the “Cus’.” It seems way to cheesy and informal for the rest of the poem witch is so beautiful. Maybe what the author is attempting to achieve here is to illustrate pompous wordy love compared to (more real) comfortable, casual love. Maybe. I’m not sure. I guess my English major training is making me like the pompous love better, though. Hmmm… I guess that will just have to be something we talk about in workshop.

"Ahh...." by Val Harrison

Before reading the last three lines of the poem, I thought that the purpose of this poem was just a walk down memory lane—I thought that the author just wanted us to come along with her and see something that we all experienced through her eyes. Then I got to the conclusion of the poem, and I had to question that interpretation. After reflecting on a moment of youthful joy—and the memory of that scramble for change when one hears the ice cream truck—the author concludes with the lines: “Huh? / O that’s right / I’m just in Starbucks before class….” This makes me think that maybe the theme is that some things never change. Actually, I originally thought that the idea behind the flash into the present was to say something about the poem being written right before the deadline, but that seemed really inconsistent with the poem’s tone. So, I like my other interpretation better. I think it makes more sense to see that the author lets us know that this ice cream habit has grown and matured into something just a little bit different, but obviously related.

Now that I think I’ve figured out the mysterious last three lines, I am wondering if they are as effective as they could be. It did take me kind of a long time to come up with that explanation—and I'd like to think I’m not a total idiot when it comes to poetry. This is definitely an experimental type of ending, and for that I applaud the author, but I wonder if there is another way to possibly do it. Maybe this could be achieved better if the poem were broken up into sections. Or, it’s possible that even an extra line in there would make the transition a little bit smoother. I know it sounds like a contradiction that space would make something smoother, but I think the way it currently exists in the text is more than a little bit jarring. I realize that this is probably written in a way to mimic the awakening from a daydream, so that we (as the readers of the poem) can experience what the author is experiencing, but I still don’t really feel like it’s exactly as it could be.

"Inspired by the Blue green Notebook" by Constance Jackson

Hahaha, there are such wonderful allusions in this poem! As an English major (like the author), I cannot help but laugh…and even maybe cry a little. I think this poem is wonderfully effective stylistically. I love the fact that it is broken up into two distinctly different (yet terrifyingly related) sections. It’s so beautifully poetic and clever. Obviously, the purpose in this poem is to use these two sections together to create a mocking commentary on the author’s view of life, knowledge, literature, and (possibly even) religion.

One thing I find particularly effective is the author’s use of line breaks in Part I. For example, with my first reading, I wasn’t at all expecting the line, “God is pretty much going to wax me”—and because of that, I (as the reader) feel pretty “waxed” by the poem at this turn. Another example of this effective tool comes a few lines down: “stopped beating and yelling at grandma / in between sermons.” Clearly, every line is intentionally spaced. Another thing I love is the fact that the last line of Part I leads us directly into Part II, therefore giving us some kind of unity when otherwise there would not be. I love this section, first because it’s just fun to see the rulers of hell talking in such a casual way about the destruction of a human soul, secondly because it’s clever. One thing I didn’t get was the sound that Prince of Darkness makes: “ft-ft-ftftft.” All I can figure is that it was some sort of hissing, but I found myself distracted from the poem with trying to figure out this sound. Oh my god, I LOVE the last line. I cracked up the first time I read it. I’m also not quite sure about the characterization about the two dwellers of Sheol. It seens kinda like Satan is a little bit out of it, which seems backwards to me, although that’s probably exactly the point. He knows more than the boss, but he still has to “Bend over.” I guess that says something…

"Looking Back" by Ditoria Geddis

Wow. This is a really heavy poem. My response to it (which is not necessarily important) is very much “reader response.” Like, I’m having a difficult time trying to look at it from a formalist approach (which I find to be the easiest when it comes to peer review, because it uses the text and only the text as an analytical lens, rather than trying to talk about biographical information or possible cultural influences). Jeez, sorry. I didn’t mean to get all English majory there—I guess I should just try to get to the point. Okay, my point is that I am trying to look at the language, style, and purpose of the poem, but all I can think about is what I’ve learned in my Writing and Healing class about the power of telling. Anyway, because of this, I think the purpose of this poem is for the narrator (I say narrator, not author, because I don’t want to thrust this onto the writer of the poem if it is untrue,) to get something, a painful and haunting memory, off of her chest. The purpose feels like an attempt—through writing—to get past a traumatic situation.

For me, the poem is definitely powerful because it deals with such a difficult subject. Okay, now I’m just going to look at what is on the page (which I should have been doing before). One thing that I think is effective as it is, is the fact that certain words are emphasized by having their own lines: words like, “locks,” “problems,” and “MY UNCLE.” Actually, since I just brought that up, I’m not sure that placing “my uncle” in all caps really adds anything to the poem. It seems too obvious. What about playing around more with the style to bring it out even more, rather than resorting to something so mundane as capitalization. What about, rather than just giving it its own line, giving it its own little section, like:

Because it brings tears to my eyes
That someone so close could do this to me

My uncle

Whose [which should be who’s (who is)] supposed to be my protector,
From male invaders

That’s just an idea, of course. I’d also like to see some of the language tightened up. Some of the little words could be eliminated to keep the language more intense, which would (in turn) create more intensity overall in the poem.

"Bringing Sexy Back" by Sheila Garlow

I like this poem. I think it’s a wonderful image—one that I can see quite clearly. Sister in the hallway, wearing a hideously ugly brown suit, and dancing like Justin Timberlake, while the rest of the family (except for the narrator) is oblivious to these shenanigans (oh yeah, I said shenanigans!). I think the author makes her purpose quite clear with the theme spelled out in the concluding stanza: “And I think to myself, how lucky I am, / to have her as my sister.” Garlow paints us a picture, then explains why it is important. We know exactly what to think, and we know exactly what the author wants to tell her.

One thing I really like is the casual tone of the poem. I really feel what it’s like to be standing there with the narrator, watching her sister dance. One thing I want to know (that I only just realized that, after writing the previous sentence) is where exactly the narrator is located. I kinda want to know if she is sitting with the rest of her family, and she can just see where her sister is, or if she is actually standing in the hallway, too. This detail would just help to add to the scene and really bring us into the action of the poem. I personally am not fond of the term “poo-brown,” not that I find it offensive, but maybe even a little bit too immature. I think even “shit-brown” would be an improvement, but I realize that this is a detail that helps us get to know the narrator, and if that’s what she thinks then maybe that’s what should stay. I also wonder if it is necessary to have the theme of the poem explicitly spelled out. Maybe just leaving us with the details of this moment would be enough for us to pick up on. Just an idea… Oh! And now that I’ve read the poem, I love the title!

"just a moment of realization" by Adam Deal

I have now read this poem several times, and I can honestly say that I really like it, but I still (even after much searching and honing on my mad literary skills) find the text a little bit elusive. I see that we have two people, romantically involved, having a conversation that is so rattling to the senses that it is compared to (in metaphor) “Cascading Light Storms.” By the way, I love how this is capitalized, because otherwise I would not have identified it as a noun, so therefore, that’s definitely a great technique. And while we’re on the subject of light, I am happy to notice that there is a lot of it in this poem—thereby using the same word to play with different images. Light is an interesting symbol to use because it is so transient and elusive, yet it is something that we completely depend on, and even crave. So, I love the recurring “light” motif. The only thing I wonder about is the fact that the same word (light) is used twice, and in close proximity, in one line: “defused like the light of the cascading Light Storms.” To me, this was a little bit distracting, even though I totally understand the idea of wanting to keep that word in the reader’s mind (which I think is ultimately achieved).

Now, I guess, for the issues…Like I said, I really like this poem. I think the language is absolutely gorgeous. I love lines like “”Jangling sound ricochets amid times that never came about.” And I love how this particular line is followed by the next: “Never came about, but.” It’s good. It flows well and it modifies the idea from one line to the next, much like the light motif is doing. My concern is the fact that I don’t really feel privy to the conversation at hand. I mean, what I do have are fragments of thoughts, taken completely out of context. All of what is never as perfect as less? This is my major concern with the poem—I just don’t really get the dynamic of the conversation, and I feel like I should. I understand that the narrator discovers something in the short span of time that these lines take up—I get the fact that he has a “moment of realization.” I think the language of the poem makes that very clear—“light” is definitely being shed on the issue (ha ha)—with language like “And this time it feels real.” So, if that’s the point, then I think the author has achieved his goal. I just wonder exactly what they are talking about, and that kinda bugs me.

Hmmmm

...not looking forward to workshopping my poem...

"The Fishing Trip" by Christina Cottros

I love that the fist sentence is a fragment—childhood is fragmentary, memory is fragmentary, the feeling of the woman’s death at the end of the poem, seems too, almost fragmentary. I think there are some really nice images playing at work here. I only just noticed the fact that the two articles of clothing—the sneakers and the dress—are both red. This is a really effective tool that I think makes a second reading of the poem different from the first—which is always a good thing. Red dress—red halo. Oh, and another thing: I like the image of the halo—always a good symbol. I wonder, though, if there is any way to make the symbol a little bit less obvious—maybe just hint at it, rather than just coming right out and saying it. I think this would add depth to the poem that is clearly already layered. I love the images this poem presents. The grubby little hands, holding a stick as he “rattles” it “along the white picket fence”—I can almost feel my own hands jarring from the memory of doing exactly that, except probably on a chain link fence, since I grew up in south Florida. Good stuff.

Since I think color plays such an important role in this poem, I am wondering if perhaps the descriptions of color could have more detail. For example, rather than just saying “blue sky,” what about using another word, like: sapphire, or robin’s egg, or clear-water blue? This could be used so many times—describing the white fence, the child’s green eyes, (ironically, not the Buick), or even the red liquorish (which I’m pretty sure is conventionally spelled “licorice”). I would also like to see more description of Mr. Jones, because on my first reading I had to look back up to see what was going on with him when I read “She gasps, suddenly feeling sorry for laughing at him.” I think that “moving slower than a turtle” could be replaced with something more original. That would help add to the (seemingly) youthful and spontaneous tone—just something fresh, that no one has heard before, just to keep us on our toes.

Terronique Brown's "She Hangs"

Reflections on: Terronique Brown’s “She Hangs”

The language of this poem is beautiful. The first section, where the title “She Hangs” originates, depicts a woman, likened to fruit on a tree, who is “Externally…nourishing,” yet rotting on the interior. This is an interesting image, which (once again) makes me think of the short story, "Flowering Judas" by Katherine Anne Porter—the ending of which depicts a dream scene in which biting into a large purple fruit brings forth an outpouring of blood. It’s human fruit—that can only be dangerous. We get the same feel from Brown’s poem, here. She sees this image, and her only response is “[I] can only imagine smashing her / into the earth, grinding her into the grass / beneath my bare feet.” This is a gruesome image—one that is not forgotten lightly. This image is the one that clings to our memory as we continue to read the rest of the poem, which is “Warped…” to another world, image, and tone—entirely unlike the one to which we have just been exposed. The second part of the poem is effective, not so much through its use of biting imagery, but rather through its repetition of an almost chorus-like few lines. Each time the writer uses this tool, the poem takes a turn. I think this is a very effective technique.

I like the language of the poem, but I think (in some parts) it could use some tightening up. For example, on the second page, the word “that” occurs twice in the same line: “That blends with that unknown light.” If the “that”s were being used for a bigger reason, then I completely agree with them being there, but I couldn’t see it. Another thing I would like to see in this poem is more of that metaphor ability that we know our poet is capable of. The line “They robotically drone on and on” is clear, true, but I think that just coming right out and saying “robot” (or whatever word you want to apply here) in place of the word “they” could be very potent. I also don’t really know what to do with the second-person address in this poem. I don’t think that I, personally, have “accepted their phony teachings / And praised their so called prophecies.” I understand that the writer intends to knock us off of our feet, but I don’t particularly like being called blind. Perhaps the “you” of the poem addresses a specific “you,” but that is not what I gathered from the text. I guess the wording of the second person will have to be a decision on the author’s part. I just want to bring it to her attention that it (if kept like this, exactly) may turn some readers off—which might be the intent. I don’t know.

Also...

Also from Mairs, who I just read for my Writing and Healing class, is this fabulous description of one of her editors. I want this to be me:

"fresh, amused, energetic, supportive, open to quirky ideas, quick to praise" (VL 107)

On Tests:

This is totally unrelated to anything, but I just found this wonderful quote:

Examinations visit the misery of one generation on the next--the scholarly equivalent of hazing. They invite students to exibit work that, produced under adverse circumstances involving anxiety, lack of resources, limited time, and mental and physical exaustion, falls short of their best, and they force students to accept judgements based on that hastilly conceived and frantically scribbled or uttered work. Meditation, reflection, revision--the essential elements of solid intellectual production--are deliberately debarred.
(Mairs, Voice Lessons 31-32)

"Perdition" by Tyler Baily

I really like the fact that Tyler's poem, "Perdition," is set up like a ballad. I wasn't really expecting to see anything like this, so that was exciting. After I got the original idea of "Hmmm...this seems like a ballad," I looked up the definition in one of my texts and this is what I found: "A literary ballad is a narrative poem that is written in deliberate imitation of the language, form, and spirit of the traditional ballad." Traditional ballads, of course, originate from oral tradition, which are passed down from generation to generation. The rhyme scheme and meter served to help people remember the poem without writing it down. Ballads generally follow a specific rhyme and meter: most ballads are composed of four line stanzas, "consisting of alternating eight- and six-syllable lines." And the rhyme scheme is generally in an abcb pattern.

I think the first three lines (that make up the first sentence) of Tyler's poem have a very melodic quality to them, that pulled me in and then immediately made me think of a ballad (that was before I looked up the actual rhyme scheme and meter that is typically associated with ballads). So, in this way, it is a very effective introduction. Another thing I really like about this poem is the story aspect. I like that it follows a third-person narration (which also makes it very ballad-like). One thing I noticed was the fact that in line 32, the word "rode" is used in place of "road." I wonder if this is intentional or a typo. I would like to think that it was intended to have a specific meaning, but I really can't tell. If it was, then that's a cool idea, but maybe it should be better emphasized. I think this poem has a lot going for it, but I would like to see a revision.

One thing that I think would be mega-cool would be getting the poem into actual ballad form, since that is what the content is. I realize this kind of work is a serious undertaking that is really difficult. It's hard to have a regular meter and rhyme scheme and make it sound believable. So maybe that won't work. I also wonder if breaking the poem up into stanzas could help illustrate the passing of time better. One idea that might be cool by itself is the part where, "Silently / She waited as the hours / Rolled by / Waiting, watching / For her beloved." Isolating this thought would give the reader more of a feeling of "waiting." Another idea for a revision is to simply clean up the language. For example, getting rid of some of those little words will help add drama to the action. The poem now reads:

He rode off into the night
Into the dark and out of sight
Promising to return
He raced
Out into the wood.

The word "into" is in this sentence three different times. Cleaning up the language would just give the poem better flow and help keep the reader sitting at the edge of his/her seat. Look at how using only some of the same exact words changes the scene:

He rode off in the night
Into dark, out of sight.

That's just an idea, of course, and it's not exactly what the author has written. Another thing I noticed, that could use a little bit of tightening up, is the fact that the first half of the poem has shorter, more concise lines than the latter half. If the writer intended this shift, then maybe the reader should have some sort of clue, like a stanza break, or some other type of division--just so that it looks more organized and intentional. Another question I have is, exactly why does the unnamed man have to leave his mistress? I'm thinking that he's got some sort of date with the devil--some sort of alliance --due to his being a "lover of women and cards." I would like this to be a little clearer. And I am also having a difficult time understanding the line, "He sat in anguish." Is "he" the unnamed man? Why is he just sitting? Where is he? And why did he leave if he knew that "the cursed hour was nigh," that his mistress would be killed? I guess what I want is to know the motivations of the characters, particularly the motivation of the unnamed man.

My Second Poem

Okay, this one is a lot more literal and easy to understand. I have titled it "Bananas" but I'm not sure I like that. I have also jokingly called it "Fruit of the Womb" which I think is hilarious, appropriate to the subject matter, but totally the wrong tone--unfortunately. Haha. Okay, here it is:

Bananas
by Erin E. Curley

How about a snack
She said twisting off the red lid
and laying it down,
upside down,
on the counter next to the coffee pot.
She pulled out a butter knife,
the little rose embossed
in the handle glinted
the light of the afternoon
sun gleaming.
Grab two bananas,
She said walking
with the knife and open jar
of peanut butter
to the old squeaky yellow couch.
We sat,
She and me, facing
each other
crossed-legged, peeling
bananas half-way.
One for you, one for me
She said sliding a scoop
onto mine then hers
and taking a bite.
We chewed slowly,
the lingering joy
of sweet salty smooth
bringing smiles
to our lips.
I know why you like these
She said dabbing another drag
through the jar on one
then the other.
We’ve shared it from the start
She said gleaming.

Okay, this is a "poem" that's kinda based on my mom. It's totally cheezy, but that's always my problem with poetry. I just can't write good poetry. I guess it's not really my thing. I am totally prepared to have this thing ripped to shreds during workshop, and I am okay with that. I actually do like some of the language, and how it sounds outloud. I was really careful with punctuation and little knit-picky things like capitalization. I also tried to have it sound like poetry--I tried to use a lot of aliteration to give the poem a specific pace. My problem is content. How do you write something that doesn't sound like a seventh grader wrote it???? I guess I will get some help.