Shitty First Drafts, Perfectionism, & Polaroids

(BbB 21-43)

I really do understand the beauty of shitty first drafts--really I do--but apparently my problem lies more within the idea of perfectionism than anything else. I really thought this was just me. I'm pretty much a perfectionist when it comes to anything--and then when I fail, which I inevitably do (constantly) it is physically painful--like: school, relationships, cooking dinner...So, because of this, I thought that it was really more of a "me" problem than a "writer" problem. As Lamott says, "Perfectionism means that you try desperately not to leave so much mess to clean up" (28). Uh, yeah. I totally get that. But then she says, "Clutter is wonderfull fertile ground--you can still discover new treasures under all those piles, clean things up, edit things out, fix things, get a grip" (28-29). She's got a really nice point here. I guess I had just been reading this book, up until now, just kinda nodding my head. It all makes sense. But then I try to write something, like for a class, and I do this whole crazy person perfectionist thing. Actually, that's why I missed class last Thursday. I had been freaking out since Wednesday about school in general, about being behind, about feeling like I just can't get ahead, and about feeling like I just wanted to give up this whole thing because that's easier than having to be the most wonderful person on the planet. I've got this problem where I can't just get a good grade--no, that's not enough. An "A" is only something to be proud of if I am the highest grade in the class, if I am the teacher's favorite. Ummm...why am I talking about this? Oh, yes, "perfectionism." I guess I am saying that I have a problem. I was mediocre all throughout gradeschool, so I guess I just am trying to make up for it now. What I am saying is that it is difficult for me to get past this whole I-have-to-be-the-best thing, but I guess I am going to have to. Lamott says, "Perfectionism, on the other hand, will only drive you mad" (31). Yeah, I'm going to have to work on that.