"Life and Death" by Anthony Setari

This poem is hilarious! I really appreciated the conversational tone and the fact that humor is used to illustrate a situation that we've all lived through--that feeling that anything (even being hit by a bus) would be better than doing what it is we know we need to do. In this case, it's taking a test that the narrator is not at all prepared for. The poem takes us through a front-seat look at the workings of a panicked mind, one that thinks, "Oh why didn't I study?" One thing I love about this poem is the fact that, although it is written simply and in a very relaxed style, the writer still effectively uses literary devices to achieve his goal. One such example of this is the repitition of the line "hit by a bus" in the second stanza. The first time this phrase is used, it is simply a mundane fact, but the second time, the writer packs a punch: "bam, hit by a bus" (my italics). This is both attention-getting and humorous, so it works really well to keep the reader interested in what is going to happen to this character(/narrator). I also really like the energy in this piece. The last three lines of stanza three are great when it comes to energy. They are short and perfectly puntuated to express enthusiasm without being obnoxious (in the way that enthusiam can sometimes be).

I'd like to see a little bit of editing in a second draft. The first stanza on the second page is a little bit wordy and messy in general. Especially the part where the M.E. states his mind. I'm not sure how I feel about the last stanza. I both like it and want something different at the same time--although I'm not sure how I managed that. I think it's funny and ironic, but it's a little bit deux ex machina. Like, Oh! Lookie here! The narrator is gone. Dead. Even though he didn't actaully see a bus! Or hear one. But I don't know. Maybe it works for this particular poem. I don't know. I guess Anthony will have to make up his own mind on this one and just ignore all of us.

"The Moment" by Latisa Robinson

In this poem, Latisa first sculpts the image of her as the loving mother, with a new child "nestled in my arms." She contemplates his life--from his first steps to the birth his own child. We have this image in our heads and then Latisa turns the poem completely: we learn close to the end that "this moment" is not actually happening, opposed to what we have been led to believe. We then see the inner-workings of her heart. We understand that this is a dream, a wish for the future, a fantasy that only time can bring about. I think this is a really effective technique--I totally didn't see the ending coming, but I am glad I couldn't see it. For this reason, I think "The Moment" gives the reader a shocking ending and the lasting impression of what this moment will be when she finally is able to get it.

I love the title and opening line to this poem. I think they read very well together and because of this, the reader is brought immediately into the poem. We cannot help but be sucked in because the poem makes us. One idea I have for another draft is to place real, concrete images and details in place of words like "star athlete, smart," and "popular." I think it would be effective to illustrate the crumpled jersey on his bedroom floor that reeks of last night's victory, or hear the telephone ring, with the endless stream of femal voices, asking for him. These are more specific than perhaps a "moment" in time would produce, but I think it would be a very good way to make the reader want to see this kid too. Then, he would be more than just the narrator's son, and would become for the reader, a real human being with real human characteristics--flaws and wonderful attributes alike. I guess the difference would be for the reader, not the author. I think it would help to make the reader care about him, and in turn, care about her getting him; however, it could take away from the brevity of the poem (both in words and lasting images). That, of course, is just an idea.

"Dreams" by Mark Mycroft

I enjoyed reading Mark's poem. It describes the elusive nature of dreams, and how they can both delight and haunt us. In the end, Mark says that he holds the dreams "close, / so as not to dream of yesterday." Although I pretty much followed along up to this point, I am confised about what the final line means. I like how the poem itself seems to be difficult to get a firm grasp of--that, like dreams, the poem seems to be its own entity which doesn't care if you get it or not. So, I think the style of the poem fits the subject matter.

My favorite line is in the third stanza: "dancing through the maze of my thoughts." I think I like this line because it is beautiful and whimsical, much like dreams enivitably are. Because I think this is such an effective line, I would like to see more like it. For example, rather than saying "Tomorrow seems to never come," why not say something more (for lack of a better word) dreamy. I also think that adding some form of imagery would help bring the reader in. The poem is very abstract, which fits with the idea of "dreams" but, I think some concrete detail (like the dancing through the maze) would help pull the reader in. There are a few lines that I thought were a bit confusing. The first example of this is the second line of the poem, "when only you're going to dream." I think the wording of this line makes it difficult to completely understand. I was also confused by the line, "dreams that I chase while they chase me." I think that in order for this symbol/image to be effective, it should either be rephrased or built upon. I think this is a really good start for a poem, but I'd be interested in seeing another draft.

Reading "The Undertaking" by Thomas Lynch

So, after class today, I decided that I should probably actually read this essay. I'm glad I did. It's wonderful--I was really shocked how much of an emotional response it elicits at the end. I mean, we had talked about it in class, but it's totally different than actually reading and experiencing the essay. I know this already, of course. I also generally try to be on top of things when it comes to reading, but these past two weeks have just sort of slipped away from me...

Anyway, back to Lynch. I love (among so many others) the last line of the essay:

Milo had become the idea of himself, a permanent fixture of the third person and past tense, his widow's loss of appetite and trouble sleeping, the absence in places where we look for him, our habits of him breaking, our phantom limb, our one hand washing the other. (Lynch 11)

God, it's so true. I really connected with this line, especially the absence where we look for him, and "our habits of him breaking." My dog died over Christmas break. I know this isn't the same as losing a spouse, but it's fresh and it's my stinging twinge of loss. Jackie was thirteen years old with cancer on her spine. In the middle of the night, she couldn't stand up, and later that day, my mother drove her to the vet and explored the options. She was put down shortly after 9:00 am. This was the Tuesday of finals. No one told me until that Saturday, not wanting me to grieve while attempting to keep all of my external stresses under rein. I was going to come home, but kept postponing it, until finally, Mom had to tell me over the phone.

Going home is weird now. It's exactly as Lynch describes.

School Lunches

(BbB 33-38)

I actually read this section a while ago. I just kept right on reading when we were assigned the sections on Perfectionism and Polaroids. Now, looking back on my post, I see that I didn't actually say anything about it then, so I guess I should now. I'm going to say this: I think Anne Lamott is funny. Better, I think she has some awesome ideas. Just brainstorming about my own school lunch experience brought back a plethera of colorful and sickening images. This woman is obviously a genious. How can one feel writer's block if one simply sits down and describes (in detail) the snippets of hundreds of school lunch experiences? It's brilliance.

"Dear Jaime" by Jaime McNair

Typically, I am not very excited by the idea of letter poems, but this one is different. In this poem, the author uses two different voices with opposing lines in response to each other. The last word of each line is matched with the same word on the next line, but this time it is issued a new meaning, new connotation. From reading this, the reader gets the sense that this guy, Phil, is just feeding Jaime cheesy lines over and over again, and she is looking at them one at a time, with disgust. This was a unique way to go about the letter poem, and because of that, I had to read it several times to make sure I got all of the details. I think one of my issues with reading it was a form thing. I wonder what other types of set-up the author could use to illustrate that these are two (which are distinctly different) voices. I think I just had a hard time following the progression of the lines on the page. What most likely adds to this is the fact that many of the lines begin with “I,” and many of the same words are used from one line to the next. Some of these lines would be easier to digest if there was a little bit of space between them, like:

I won’t give into his lies anymore.

“I don’t want to lie to you anymore.”

It’s just visually easy to jump from place to place, and I think that hurts flow a little bit. This is all pretty much a format problem, and I may be the only one who feels this way. I also wanted to see some more creative spins from one line to another, rather than just plainly stating the opposite from one character to the next. The poem definitely shows attitude, which is great. I can totally hear you telling this guy off, but I want to see it in a more concrete way. Rather than just saying “I won’t give into his lies,” why not give us some example of one of these vial and odious lies which would make us go, “Oh yeah, you tell him, girl!” I also noticed a little bit of an issue with who the character Jaime is addressing. At first she says, “I thought you [my italics] wanted us to end” and then later, “If I take him back, this will go on forever.” This should just be normalized to avoid any confusion.

"Rehab: A Love Story" by T. Jarrel McLeod

I think this poem is a total success. It successfully compares love, and the struggle to get over a lost love, to a drug addiction. I think T. J. has some really effective line breaks in here that help to emphasize specific words and ideas—I think my favorite example of this is the one-word line, “Relapse.” I love how this particular line serves as a slight turn in the poem, there’s a little shift. I love the word “seep” in the sixth line. I’d like to see more language with that kind of resonance to it, but I think the language of the poem as it is does a good job reflecting the content.

In another draft of this poem, I’d like to see more lists like the one that opens the poem. I feel this is a very effective way to draw a reader in and make us really feel the severity of the situations. By weighing us down with lists of what is going on in your healing process, we can in turn come to feel the density. Lay it on us, T.J. I’d also like to see the ending lines go in a different direction, but I don’t really have any real recommendations. I guess the only thing to do is do what feels right in this particular poem. I don’t know. I like this poem a lot, and I don’t really know what I want from the last two lines. Sorry I can’t help. Oh, and I love the title. Definitely keep the title.