"Rehab: A Love Story" by T. Jarrel McLeod

I think this poem is a total success. It successfully compares love, and the struggle to get over a lost love, to a drug addiction. I think T. J. has some really effective line breaks in here that help to emphasize specific words and ideas—I think my favorite example of this is the one-word line, “Relapse.” I love how this particular line serves as a slight turn in the poem, there’s a little shift. I love the word “seep” in the sixth line. I’d like to see more language with that kind of resonance to it, but I think the language of the poem as it is does a good job reflecting the content.

In another draft of this poem, I’d like to see more lists like the one that opens the poem. I feel this is a very effective way to draw a reader in and make us really feel the severity of the situations. By weighing us down with lists of what is going on in your healing process, we can in turn come to feel the density. Lay it on us, T.J. I’d also like to see the ending lines go in a different direction, but I don’t really have any real recommendations. I guess the only thing to do is do what feels right in this particular poem. I don’t know. I like this poem a lot, and I don’t really know what I want from the last two lines. Sorry I can’t help. Oh, and I love the title. Definitely keep the title.

"In Your Eyes" by Sean Kelly

I think this poem is really sweet! I want someone to tell me “Every answer I ever wanted to know / Lies in your eyes” after comparing them to Saturn and sparkly stars! It’s a beautiful image, and as a girl, I can’t help but swoon. Okay, as a peer reviewing (girl) student in this particular workshopping class, I am forced to do more than swoon. I must critique! Okay, I think the purpose of this poem is pretty self-explanatory. In a series of stanzas, the author of this poem reflects on the eyes of his loved one, and how those are the eyes that he will always want to search when lighting the “wick of the future” (a beautiful line, and image). He gets lost in this moment, lost in those eyes, and then has to snap himself out of it to ask the other person to “Be mine till you are wrinkly.”

There are two things (among the tons that I love) that I am not certain about in this poem. My first critique is the phrase “Shut up…..” all by itself among the stanzas. I think that the poet is saying this to himself, and not to his loved one, but it’s a little bit unclear. I don’t think he should be telling the person whom he wants to grow old with to “shut up,” so it only makes sense that he is telling himself to snap out of it. But, I still don’t like it in there. I think there is such a beautiful tone throughout the poem that this line really just completely clashes. It also disturbs me because it is the one line that stands out the most, since it is in a “stanza” all to itself. This must be purposeful. I am getting that it is a change in the tone of the poem, but I wonder if there is a better (less harsh) option for such a sweet poem. My second concern is the very last line: “Cus’ the eyes never grow old.” To be honest, I just don’t like the “Cus’.” It seems way to cheesy and informal for the rest of the poem witch is so beautiful. Maybe what the author is attempting to achieve here is to illustrate pompous wordy love compared to (more real) comfortable, casual love. Maybe. I’m not sure. I guess my English major training is making me like the pompous love better, though. Hmmm… I guess that will just have to be something we talk about in workshop.

"Ahh...." by Val Harrison

Before reading the last three lines of the poem, I thought that the purpose of this poem was just a walk down memory lane—I thought that the author just wanted us to come along with her and see something that we all experienced through her eyes. Then I got to the conclusion of the poem, and I had to question that interpretation. After reflecting on a moment of youthful joy—and the memory of that scramble for change when one hears the ice cream truck—the author concludes with the lines: “Huh? / O that’s right / I’m just in Starbucks before class….” This makes me think that maybe the theme is that some things never change. Actually, I originally thought that the idea behind the flash into the present was to say something about the poem being written right before the deadline, but that seemed really inconsistent with the poem’s tone. So, I like my other interpretation better. I think it makes more sense to see that the author lets us know that this ice cream habit has grown and matured into something just a little bit different, but obviously related.

Now that I think I’ve figured out the mysterious last three lines, I am wondering if they are as effective as they could be. It did take me kind of a long time to come up with that explanation—and I'd like to think I’m not a total idiot when it comes to poetry. This is definitely an experimental type of ending, and for that I applaud the author, but I wonder if there is another way to possibly do it. Maybe this could be achieved better if the poem were broken up into sections. Or, it’s possible that even an extra line in there would make the transition a little bit smoother. I know it sounds like a contradiction that space would make something smoother, but I think the way it currently exists in the text is more than a little bit jarring. I realize that this is probably written in a way to mimic the awakening from a daydream, so that we (as the readers of the poem) can experience what the author is experiencing, but I still don’t really feel like it’s exactly as it could be.

"Inspired by the Blue green Notebook" by Constance Jackson

Hahaha, there are such wonderful allusions in this poem! As an English major (like the author), I cannot help but laugh…and even maybe cry a little. I think this poem is wonderfully effective stylistically. I love the fact that it is broken up into two distinctly different (yet terrifyingly related) sections. It’s so beautifully poetic and clever. Obviously, the purpose in this poem is to use these two sections together to create a mocking commentary on the author’s view of life, knowledge, literature, and (possibly even) religion.

One thing I find particularly effective is the author’s use of line breaks in Part I. For example, with my first reading, I wasn’t at all expecting the line, “God is pretty much going to wax me”—and because of that, I (as the reader) feel pretty “waxed” by the poem at this turn. Another example of this effective tool comes a few lines down: “stopped beating and yelling at grandma / in between sermons.” Clearly, every line is intentionally spaced. Another thing I love is the fact that the last line of Part I leads us directly into Part II, therefore giving us some kind of unity when otherwise there would not be. I love this section, first because it’s just fun to see the rulers of hell talking in such a casual way about the destruction of a human soul, secondly because it’s clever. One thing I didn’t get was the sound that Prince of Darkness makes: “ft-ft-ftftft.” All I can figure is that it was some sort of hissing, but I found myself distracted from the poem with trying to figure out this sound. Oh my god, I LOVE the last line. I cracked up the first time I read it. I’m also not quite sure about the characterization about the two dwellers of Sheol. It seens kinda like Satan is a little bit out of it, which seems backwards to me, although that’s probably exactly the point. He knows more than the boss, but he still has to “Bend over.” I guess that says something…

"Looking Back" by Ditoria Geddis

Wow. This is a really heavy poem. My response to it (which is not necessarily important) is very much “reader response.” Like, I’m having a difficult time trying to look at it from a formalist approach (which I find to be the easiest when it comes to peer review, because it uses the text and only the text as an analytical lens, rather than trying to talk about biographical information or possible cultural influences). Jeez, sorry. I didn’t mean to get all English majory there—I guess I should just try to get to the point. Okay, my point is that I am trying to look at the language, style, and purpose of the poem, but all I can think about is what I’ve learned in my Writing and Healing class about the power of telling. Anyway, because of this, I think the purpose of this poem is for the narrator (I say narrator, not author, because I don’t want to thrust this onto the writer of the poem if it is untrue,) to get something, a painful and haunting memory, off of her chest. The purpose feels like an attempt—through writing—to get past a traumatic situation.

For me, the poem is definitely powerful because it deals with such a difficult subject. Okay, now I’m just going to look at what is on the page (which I should have been doing before). One thing that I think is effective as it is, is the fact that certain words are emphasized by having their own lines: words like, “locks,” “problems,” and “MY UNCLE.” Actually, since I just brought that up, I’m not sure that placing “my uncle” in all caps really adds anything to the poem. It seems too obvious. What about playing around more with the style to bring it out even more, rather than resorting to something so mundane as capitalization. What about, rather than just giving it its own line, giving it its own little section, like:

Because it brings tears to my eyes
That someone so close could do this to me

My uncle

Whose [which should be who’s (who is)] supposed to be my protector,
From male invaders

That’s just an idea, of course. I’d also like to see some of the language tightened up. Some of the little words could be eliminated to keep the language more intense, which would (in turn) create more intensity overall in the poem.

"Bringing Sexy Back" by Sheila Garlow

I like this poem. I think it’s a wonderful image—one that I can see quite clearly. Sister in the hallway, wearing a hideously ugly brown suit, and dancing like Justin Timberlake, while the rest of the family (except for the narrator) is oblivious to these shenanigans (oh yeah, I said shenanigans!). I think the author makes her purpose quite clear with the theme spelled out in the concluding stanza: “And I think to myself, how lucky I am, / to have her as my sister.” Garlow paints us a picture, then explains why it is important. We know exactly what to think, and we know exactly what the author wants to tell her.

One thing I really like is the casual tone of the poem. I really feel what it’s like to be standing there with the narrator, watching her sister dance. One thing I want to know (that I only just realized that, after writing the previous sentence) is where exactly the narrator is located. I kinda want to know if she is sitting with the rest of her family, and she can just see where her sister is, or if she is actually standing in the hallway, too. This detail would just help to add to the scene and really bring us into the action of the poem. I personally am not fond of the term “poo-brown,” not that I find it offensive, but maybe even a little bit too immature. I think even “shit-brown” would be an improvement, but I realize that this is a detail that helps us get to know the narrator, and if that’s what she thinks then maybe that’s what should stay. I also wonder if it is necessary to have the theme of the poem explicitly spelled out. Maybe just leaving us with the details of this moment would be enough for us to pick up on. Just an idea… Oh! And now that I’ve read the poem, I love the title!

"just a moment of realization" by Adam Deal

I have now read this poem several times, and I can honestly say that I really like it, but I still (even after much searching and honing on my mad literary skills) find the text a little bit elusive. I see that we have two people, romantically involved, having a conversation that is so rattling to the senses that it is compared to (in metaphor) “Cascading Light Storms.” By the way, I love how this is capitalized, because otherwise I would not have identified it as a noun, so therefore, that’s definitely a great technique. And while we’re on the subject of light, I am happy to notice that there is a lot of it in this poem—thereby using the same word to play with different images. Light is an interesting symbol to use because it is so transient and elusive, yet it is something that we completely depend on, and even crave. So, I love the recurring “light” motif. The only thing I wonder about is the fact that the same word (light) is used twice, and in close proximity, in one line: “defused like the light of the cascading Light Storms.” To me, this was a little bit distracting, even though I totally understand the idea of wanting to keep that word in the reader’s mind (which I think is ultimately achieved).

Now, I guess, for the issues…Like I said, I really like this poem. I think the language is absolutely gorgeous. I love lines like “”Jangling sound ricochets amid times that never came about.” And I love how this particular line is followed by the next: “Never came about, but.” It’s good. It flows well and it modifies the idea from one line to the next, much like the light motif is doing. My concern is the fact that I don’t really feel privy to the conversation at hand. I mean, what I do have are fragments of thoughts, taken completely out of context. All of what is never as perfect as less? This is my major concern with the poem—I just don’t really get the dynamic of the conversation, and I feel like I should. I understand that the narrator discovers something in the short span of time that these lines take up—I get the fact that he has a “moment of realization.” I think the language of the poem makes that very clear—“light” is definitely being shed on the issue (ha ha)—with language like “And this time it feels real.” So, if that’s the point, then I think the author has achieved his goal. I just wonder exactly what they are talking about, and that kinda bugs me.