Shaun DeLoach's essay, "A Mad Tea Party"

"My hands shook as I transferred one, then two, then three, then four, then five, then six, then seven, on until 3 quarters of the sugar jar was empty and my sister was smiling sardonically."

Oh my god--this is awesome writing! Completely insane (and I think that's the point) but amazing writing. I really love this particular sentence (and it was very difficult to pick just one, by the way) because I think it speaks to the essay as a whole. That's what it's about: Shaun trying to get by in this totally foreign experience and doing the best he can without screaming out loud...and his sister watching his every move. It's such vivid writing--at times trembling on the edge of complete and total abstraction (and madness) but then suddenly balanced with the concrete--the real, the tangible. And it's completely captivating. Shaun can tell the reader anything--like saying that he wishes he could actually be one of the chattering little girls in the tea room, and we take him seriously. We don't have time to judge or sit there and really ponder it because we can't stop following line after line. If there's anything I want to say, it's that I'd like to see more about the narrator's sister. What is she wearing? How does she feel about what Shaun is wearing? Did she paint her nails to go here? Did she drive or did she sit in the passenger seat and give commanding directions? Does her face come alive? Is she pissy the whole time? I want to see these things because it talks (indirectly) about the narrator as well. But then, I guess not really giving any of these details speaks indirectly about the narrator, too. Hmmmmmm.....I don't know. Just a suggestion.

Oh, and sex-change operations on the internet? Gross. But I can see why it's in there...

Neal Brautigan's essay, "An Excuse to Drink at Tybee"

"At the end, the applause was great, as O'Neil asked, 'Is this country great or what?'"

One thing I really like about Neal's essay is his attention to the apparant subject and the larger subject. It's about pirates on the beach, but it's about our country. It's about why pirates are so popular, it's about how ties and sports jackets currently equate parrots on shoulders. It's an interesting social commentary. And I think part of the reason this works so well in Neal's essay is through the dialogue that he's included. It's very real, natural dialogue--and yet it speaks directly to a social theme. One thing about this, though, is that I'd like to see the paragraph near the conclusion (which begins "As I drove home") broken up and woven into the essay. Like, what about putting some of it directly after the line I've just quoted? I think that way it would feel less like summing up in the end. Nice essay, though. I especially appreciated the family in matching green shorts, eating, and segregated "by gender" at Arby's. That's just a cool observation (like the storm trooper and the woman saying "May the force be with him" into her camera)!

C.J. Krakeel's essay, "A Mark Mission (On, In and Around the Skin Sub-Culture)"

"I will always remember the way he said that[:] his mouth was bleeding a bit but he didn't wipe it off he just sat and drank his drink."

I think this scene, along with the scene which describes "The Compound," is the most powerful in the essay. This is largely because of the strong characterization and the attention to detail. Here, we see a "Skin" who has just beaten up on some Neo-Nazis, who are part of a movement which is attempting to commandeer the skin culture. His lip is bleeding, but he just sits down at the bar and drinks a beer. I think more of this type of characterization would be much more successful rather than using the long-winded, encyclopedia-like descriptions of the movement which the essay currently employs. Show us the people, rather than set up a defensive argument about whether skin-heads are good or bad.

Robert Greene's essay, "In the Dark"

I turn the cell phone over. No one's called. I'm a bit
surprised.
And a bit disappointed.

I love the tone Robert has throughout this essay--so matter-of-fact, and yet so conversational. Like he's just sitting there, telling you the story, completely deadpan. These few lines portray that tone really well--but in addition to being short and snappy, these lines also provide the reader with a glimpse into the narrator's head. Just a flash of reflection is almost all we need. Actually, I think we get a little too much of it right at the end of the essay--I think the third essay from the end (which begins "I reflected back") could actually be cut, so that the tone seems more unified. Imagine the conclusion this way: now, we go from "In short, when I was simply a stuent" to "Back then," which, to me, seems to transition really well. And actually, I think we get plenty of reflection that way, because I think it's more consistant with the rest of the essay. But like I'm saying, I really love the tone--I'm just trying to keep it going in a smooth, slightly sarcastic (which is perfect, given the author!) kind of conclusion.

Bill Beeson, "Living the Life: Participating in Statesboro Collegiate Ministries"

"My voice has trailed off, but my lips are still moving."

I love this line in Bill's essay for several reasons:
1) It portrays good action
2) I can personally identify with it--(so, I guess that means it's at least fairly universal)
3) I think it tells us a lot about the character of the narrator
4) It seems to point to a larger theme

Okay--maybe one, two, and three are all sort of parts of the same whole. Action can be a way to successfully portray character--which in this case, it does. And part of what makes for a successful (and realistic) nonfiction character is the writer's ability to paint a person as complete--who exibits good qualities, negative character traits, and real human emotion. Here, we see a very believable portrayal of the narrator, who feels shy, awkward, embarrassed, and yet wants to be a part of something--or at least to try to be a part of something.

I think lines like this one make the essay truly successful. One thing I'd like to see, however, is a different, more active, tense. Using this sort of (what is it, like, future progressive, if that even exists) tense makes for very passive writing. Using more active verbs always makes writing pop.

McFee's Commentary

It's really very strange to read that John McFee, the fricken genius who wrote "Travels in Georgia," (which even with it's description of all kinds of creepy crawlies and general nastiness, was one of the most beautiful pieces of essay writing I've ever read) uses "doodles" to map out and illustrate his structure for his students! DOODLES! Little loopy drawings that he projects on the board for his classes. Is this not madness? It just seems so....silly. But I think he's got a point. The article quotes him as saying, "Nonfiction writers have been out collecting material and now they're getting ready to write, and they've got a great mound of stuff on a table...What are they going to do with it?" I totally get that--even without research, just memory, there's FAR too much information to keep your mind clear and organized. It's always difficult for me to start writing--anything. It's hard for me to write research papers--I HAVE to outline. I guess this is pretty much the same thing, though, isn't it? McFee's doodles are like a mixture between a rigid outline and a general story line. I'm still not sure I could use doodles, though...

Emily Haymans's essay, "A Vast, Seamless World"

"My little gnome with hot pink pigtails and big blue eyes was a lot like most of the female gnomes wandering the roads and forests."

I love what this sentence says about the narrator notices about the character the narrator has created for herself. She's a gnome with bright pink hair and cute, spunky eyes...and she pretty much looks like everyone else. I love that Emily describes the different types of characters that she created during her immersion into WOW, but I'd really like to see what kind of thought she put into creating them. I want to see Emily, the narrator, picking out names and trying on hairstyles until she finds one that reflects herself in this world of fantasy. Because isn't that the whole point? What does this decision say about who you are as a gamer, as a person? And what does it say about your experience with World of Warcraft?
But other than that curiosity, I loved this essay. So funny! The language is playful, and the in-game scenes are freakin hilarious. Nice work!